Tag Archives: Transparency

71. Learning To Close The Door – An Exercise In Intimacy

What’s Necessary To Build And Sustain Intimacy?

One of the greatest tragedies I see today is an inadequate understanding of what’s necessary to not only build, but also sustain intimacy in relationships. The nurturing of relationships often comes last in terms of priority. Couples are regularly inundated with busy work schedules, demanding financial pressures, juggling the responsibilities of children, and running a household. When the obligations of the day have been met, there is little to no time or energy left for stoking the fires that lead to the consuming flames of passion and communion, designed to be experienced within this relational bond. If partnerships are to thrive, it’s critical that boundaries are set, and proactive steps are taken to insure the necessary alone time to journey through this vulnerable, unlimited expanse of both emotional and physical intimacy.

Learning To Close The Door

One of the most important steps couples can take to build intimacy is learning to close the door. What that means is having a consistent, sacred time set aside. Once the couple crosses over the threshold of the bedroom and closes that door behind them, the outside world temporarily ceases to exist. There are no conversations of work, school, children, or life outside this moment. What takes precedence are the deep soul discussions, whispered from a place of longing to profoundly understand their partner, and disintegrate any potential barriers that create disconnection or separation.

Diving Into The Depths Of One Another

Until the conclusion of this hallowed time, there are no external interruptions, no kids knocking on doors, no phone calls, no distractions. Mom and Dad simply cease to exist, and the couple is afforded the opportunity to dive deeply into the depths of one another, on all levels, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, without the distractions or intrusion of the outside world. This is where the deepest of friendships are forged, and where the white-hot fires of passion burn away all obstacles that stand in the path of complete surrender to one another.

Paving The Way To Greater Understanding

Once the door is closed and the dance begins, trust, transparency, and the safety to engage in total emotional nakedness is what paves the way to greater understanding of fears and desires, profound connection, and the deep, physical intimacy most have only dreamed about. That level of all-consuming physical intimacy can only be achieved when the ego has been abated, and both individuals are willing to keep their hearts fully open, as they venture unguarded through emotional areas that need to be discussed, exposed, and healed.

The Rules Of Engagement

The rules of engagement are simple… all masks must be removed and left outside the door, along with any perceptions or judgments, so that unconditional love and acceptance may abound. When one can look at their partner, knowing their deepest, darkest secrets can be exposed with no judgment, and no change in the level of love and affection, fear is extinguished.

Fear Drives Emotional Closure

Fear is often a driving force in our need to remain emotionally closed, which significantly limits intimacy. Once trust is established and fear of exposure is no longer an issue, this allows for the release and healing of deep wounds that have remained buried  below the surface for fear of exposure and  rejection. Once healed and released, growth and expansion freely happen, which in turn fosters greater emotional understanding.

Imagine the levels of intimacy possible when there is no longer any anxiety or concern about disapproval or rebuff. The increase of gratitude, passion, and affection towards one who knows our every ill and yet chooses to selflessly love us anyway is intensified exponentially.

Committing To Consistently Close The Door

True unconditional love pursues that which nurtures, grows, heals, edifies, and ministers to the needs of the beloved. If couples can commit to consistently close the door, spend the necessary time honestly communicating their deepest hopes, dreams, needs, desires, beliefs, and fears, while completely surrendering to one another emotionally and physically, there are literally no limits to the extent and intensity such a degree of love can experience.

Love & Light,
Laura Lum Corby

64. Before The Sun Goes Down

say-what-needs-to-be-saidI’ve learned so much in this last year about what limited time we have here and how important it is to speak our mind today, before the sun goes down, as tomorrow is promised to no one. More often than not, what we hear when someone of significance has been lost is regret for words not spoken, love not shown, opportunities not taken, and a world of unresolved feelings that will never have the opportunity to be fully expressed. This can be true whether someone has passed on, or is just no longer part of our lives.

I truly believe it’s often fear that keeps us from speaking our hearts to others. Fear shows itself in so many different ways. Often we are fearful of the unknown, of rejection, potentially being hurt, feelings not being reciprocated, how we might be perceived by another, and a whole host of other situations that often cause us to build walls of silence, rather than truly articulate our heart’s emotions and desires. Sometimes, it can be more of a situation where we just take things for granted and assume future opportunities will arise to say what should be said at this moment. Life is too precious and far too fleeting for these lapses in communication to occur.

We need to learn to speak our hearts daily. I have a firm belief. There is never a situation where speaking my heart in truth and love is not appropriate… EVER! There should be nothing we can’t discuss with one another, when done so in love and humility. I challenge us all to begin sharing what we’re feeling, even if it’s scary, even if it potentially may not be received or reciprocated as we might like, as that’s not what’s important. What is important is not ever missing an occasion to say what we may never have the chance to say again. It’s not only for our own benefit, but it may have a profound impact on the other person. It could be the very thing a hurting heart needs to hear when the challenges of life have left them bare and in desperate need of love and affirmation. Say it, whatever it is, TODAY!

I wrote this as a reminder to never let the sun go down on what remains unsaid…

Before The Sun Goes Down 

So much emotion left unsaid
By now, they ought to know
They’ve been around for long enough
I’m sure the feelings show
I said it once, quite long ago
And thought that should suffice
But now that they’re no longer here
I’ve started thinking twice
So many things I should have said
So much I could have shown
Acknowledging that special place
Where in my heart they’d grown
For everything they’d been to me
For all they’d walked me through
I realized in painful pride
That many more were due
To all those in my life today
Who’ve touched this tender heart
I vow that I’ll start sharing with you
Now’s the time to start
Before that chance is taken
And before the sun goes down
Let me tell you that I love you
And I’m glad that you’re around

Love & Light,
Laura Lum Corby

56. Speaking Your Mind In Love

speak-your-mindLack Of Effective Communication Ruins Relationships

Over the last few years, one thing I have seen consistently ruin relationships has been a lack of effective communication. There are so many different reasons we choose to bottle our emotions and not tell others what we are thinking and feeling. Sometimes it’s just flat-out pride! Other times we are concerned that others might not agree with our viewpoint. Quite often, we are afraid of rejection and hurt, if the other person turns away from us based on what has been spoken.

Stuffing Feelings Leads To Frustration, Anger, And Resentment

Let’s face it, most of us just don’t like to create chaos, drama or confrontation, so it appears much easier to just hold our tongue and move on. But are we really moving on? Usually not! In fact, more often than not, and whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, stuffing our feelings and opinions only leads to frustration, anger, and resentment down the road. Especially if it’s a common practice.

Freely Speaking Keeps A Short Account Of Wrongs

Learning to speak our mind and heart is a skill that often feels uncomfortable when we first begin practicing it. Yet, with time I learned it was the most freeing exercise I have ever experienced, and I wish I had learned the skill much earlier in life! There is just something powerful about truthfully communicating in a deep and meaningful way with others, that allows our souls to soar. Freely speaking keeps a very short account of wrongs. If you immediately discuss things that bother you, they are dealt with right away and not able to fester or create a much more difficult and damaging circumstance.

Do Not Let The Sun Go Down On Unresolved Concerns

My rule of thumb is the moment something bothers me, I address it. I rarely let the sun go down on my concerns or go to bed with unresolved issues. Once in while there may be a circumstance out of my control that doesn’t provide an immediate opportunity to be addressed, but that’s usually not the case.

Taking Responsibility For Our Feelings Helps Us To Let Go

Don’t mistake what I am suggesting as blasting someone, or totally going off on them when they have upset or bothered you! There’s no surer way to cause damage in a relationship. What I am suggesting is being able to articulate at all times how you feel about any given circumstance, good, bad, or indifferent, in complete love. Often by simply discussing things we may not be 100% OK with, we are able to resolve the issues keeping us conflicted to a point of releasing them and no longer being bound by their power. This can be true in a work environment, in a romantic relationship, or with friends and family members. Learning to speak our mind allows us to take responsibility for our feelings, deal with them, resolve them, and move on. It truly helps us to let go.

Our Responsibility Ends With Speaking Our Truth In Love

It’s important to point out that just because we freely share our opinions does not mean they will always be joyfully accepted by those on the receiving end, and that’s totally fine! Our responsibility is to share our hearts and how we feel about things. We cannot take responsibility for how the other person either receives that information, or chooses to process and act upon it, if at all. They are always going to be at a different place in their journey than we are, therefore we have to trust that our responsibility ends with speaking our truth in love. It’s is God’s responsibility to take it from there!

Be Consciously Aware Of Your Words And How They Are Being Presented

Take care to always explain how situations make you feel, rather than coming from a place of judgment or accusation. Advancing from a negative place never gets us anywhere! It took me many years to learn to overcome my fears and actually say what I thought, to be myself and speak my mind, no matter what the reception on the other end. I am cautious to never sugar coat a turd, yet I also never beat someone over the head with my proverbial 2 by 4 either. There is a fine line here that can be easily crossed if you are not consciously aware of your words and how they are being presented.

Help Others Understand What It Is You Are Feeling

I have found the easiest way to do this is by pulling the emotion out of the equation, whenever possible. Stating your perspective and how something made you feel is not up for argument. Though someone might not agree with how you perceived a situation, they cannot deny how it might have made you feel, whether right or wrong. You feel what you feel, period. Sometimes just helping others to understand what we feel about a given situation and why, can help them to better understand our viewpoint and turn the situation completely around.

Honor The Perceptions And Individuality Of Others

At the end of the day, even if the other person does not agree with your thoughts on the topic, I can almost guarantee that you will feel better having discussed it! One quick aside, make sure you stop with communicating how you feel and don’t move into the common mistake of trying to convince others they should feel the same way! That’s not honoring their perceptions and individuality.

Learn To Agree To Disagree

Say what needs to be said and give others the grace to understand your plight, but still disagree if they must. Learning to agree to disagree is one skill that you will do well to adopt early on in life! The sooner the better, as a matter of fact! It’s not only freeing for them, but for us as well.

Say What You Mean And Mean What You Say

Say what you mean, mean what you say, speak your mind in love, and allow others the freedom to acknowledge what you are saying, while still having your respect in their right to disagree. It’s absolutely amazing to see the anger and frustration melt away when this happens and it leads to much healthier, happier relationships across the board!

Love & Light,
Laura Lum Corby

21. Heaven On Earth

connectBesides God, who truly knows the depths of our heart? Perhaps a glimpse has been given to those we’ve invited and allowed in. Even then, a full knowing is an uncommon, but coveted thing indeed. Tremendous transparency and trust are needed at these depths, along with a strong sense of self, evidenced from the prior deep soul work that manifested it. One such soul is a rare find. Two such souls would be heaven on earth.

Laura Lum Corby